I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
