my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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