Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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