Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
