I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
