just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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