Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
