If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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