is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
