she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you inspire me to be a worse person
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
