Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
