sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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