he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
