Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think I just sharted jello shots
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