Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
