How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
