I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
