we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you had me at cake vodka
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
