he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
