It's Friday. Sex?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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