I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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