Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
