my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
