Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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