Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
