I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
