i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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