I wish my penis had an off switch
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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