I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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