I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
