I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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