you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
