Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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