Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
