: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
