eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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