I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
