Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
