I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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