I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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