Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I will die if light touches me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
