I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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