No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
