two words: eviction party
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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