Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
