All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
