eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
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