I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
