i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
