Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
