That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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