Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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