I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
